Monday, September 26, 2011

About to face my biggest fear...

I don't even know how to do this. I'm about to face my biggest fear. The thing I have been dreading the most over the last 4 years... ever since I fell in love with him. I'm terrified. My heart is aching so badly, I physically feel the pain. 

I'm trying my hardest not to concentrate on it, just focus on being with him. But how do I do that when the countdown has officially begun, it's time to start the packing process, and I'm preparing to say goodbye to my very best friend in the whole world for the next 2 months and 3 weeks?! 

I spent all of last night sobbing. It's getting to the point where I can hardly look at him or talk to him without bursting into tears. I'm not afraid for my safety here alone. I have wonderful new friends that live right below me, so I know I'm safe. If I needed anything, they'd be there. But the emotional side of it all... crawling into bed every night, alone... wanting so badly to be held, to be kissed, to just be able to snuggle with him on the couch and watch a movie together. The quiet, intimate moments... How am I supposed to function every day, for almost 3 months...without the one thing I crave to get through my days? I'm praying so hard for strength. 

I know that this could absolutely be worse. After all, it's a relatively short deployment, considering what most of them are... and I'm incredibly thankful for that. But that doesn't change the fact that he's going, nonetheless. It doesn't change the fact that he will be gone. I will be without him. 

I'm leaning so hard on my Mom and new very wonderful friend, Kachiri. Were it not for her, I couldn't do this. I'm grateful to have someone who has promised to make sure I don't suffer through this alone. I'm thankful that God has placed her in my life. She's a truly wonderful person. I love her to pieces. 

I know this sounds a lot like rambling... I'm sure over the next few months, there's going to be a lot of that. So my apologies for the next few months... but it's going to be a rough, long road... and I'm going to need SOMEWHERE to vent my frustration, pain, loneliness and sadness, without fear of judgement or repercussion of my feelings. I'm sorry, tonight's blog is a little on the downer side. I'm trying....

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A rainy day in VA

Today is a rainy day. However, I'm loving it! My hubby and I laid in bed until almost 1:00pm just snuggling. Really rather nice way to start off my day. After that, we've been snuggling on the couch, just watching Netflix all afternoon. I have been semi-productive and have done a few loads of laundry, but nothing much other than that.

I'm sad, because he's leaving in 9 days. Were if not for my friends and family, I wouldn't be able to handle this. I'm still struggling. But I'm praying for God to give me strength, and help me to remain focused on the things I want to accomplish while he is away. I am asking for encouragement, prayers and support from all who may see this. 
All my love.

Friday, September 23, 2011

My very first blog entry...

Today has not been a good day. I woke up extremely exhausted to start off with. I was supposed to go to a job fair for military spouses, but was too tired to even get up to get ready. So I didn't go. I began, instead, my day with dishes, laundry, and other household chores. Ah, such is the life of a housewife. Not that I regret being one, mind you. After all, it is my choice. I enjoy taking care of our home. But as of late, I haven't had the motivation. I think it's because my depression is taking hold on me, and I haven't been able to kick its butt back. Working on that, though.

This evening, while working on other things around the house, I had a load of laundry going. We live in an apartment with a very small kitchen, yet this is where they saw fit to put our washing machine. We have one of those portable washers, the kind that you attach to the sink with a house and wash your clothes. Now I'm not so much opposed to that idea, just that it's a pain in the butt, and a real inconvenience if you're trying to do other things like, say, oh, dishes, or cook a meal. Then it's a real pain. Nonetheless, I wasn't paying attention, and the sink stopper somehow slipped down into the sink, plugged the drain, and filled the sink with water. Said water managed to flow out onto the kitchen floor, creating a small pond in my kitchen!! UGH!! It took 8 towels to clean up all the mess... thank goodness I was already in the process of doing laundry for the week, otherwise I would've been quite upset. On top of that, my hubby is gone for the night, and don't even get me started on the Navy. I don't have time for that tonight.

Well, first blog, not the greatest I'm sure.. but tonight I'm tired and a little bummed out, perhaps more on that later.

Goodnight fellow bloggers!