Monday, September 26, 2011

About to face my biggest fear...

I don't even know how to do this. I'm about to face my biggest fear. The thing I have been dreading the most over the last 4 years... ever since I fell in love with him. I'm terrified. My heart is aching so badly, I physically feel the pain. 

I'm trying my hardest not to concentrate on it, just focus on being with him. But how do I do that when the countdown has officially begun, it's time to start the packing process, and I'm preparing to say goodbye to my very best friend in the whole world for the next 2 months and 3 weeks?! 

I spent all of last night sobbing. It's getting to the point where I can hardly look at him or talk to him without bursting into tears. I'm not afraid for my safety here alone. I have wonderful new friends that live right below me, so I know I'm safe. If I needed anything, they'd be there. But the emotional side of it all... crawling into bed every night, alone... wanting so badly to be held, to be kissed, to just be able to snuggle with him on the couch and watch a movie together. The quiet, intimate moments... How am I supposed to function every day, for almost 3 months...without the one thing I crave to get through my days? I'm praying so hard for strength. 

I know that this could absolutely be worse. After all, it's a relatively short deployment, considering what most of them are... and I'm incredibly thankful for that. But that doesn't change the fact that he's going, nonetheless. It doesn't change the fact that he will be gone. I will be without him. 

I'm leaning so hard on my Mom and new very wonderful friend, Kachiri. Were it not for her, I couldn't do this. I'm grateful to have someone who has promised to make sure I don't suffer through this alone. I'm thankful that God has placed her in my life. She's a truly wonderful person. I love her to pieces. 

I know this sounds a lot like rambling... I'm sure over the next few months, there's going to be a lot of that. So my apologies for the next few months... but it's going to be a rough, long road... and I'm going to need SOMEWHERE to vent my frustration, pain, loneliness and sadness, without fear of judgement or repercussion of my feelings. I'm sorry, tonight's blog is a little on the downer side. I'm trying....

No comments:

Post a Comment